If ever a movie deserved to be reviewed solely by a picture of a pear with a goofy mouth, it would be this one. The Mutant Chronicles is a walking LOLWUT of epic proportions.
Posted under Movie Reviews, Movies
Castlevania II: Belmont’s Revenge
System: GB
Genre: Action/Platformer
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Release: 1991
Country: US
I obviously turned this into an attempt to review every “classic” Castlevania game, this is roughly the halfway point, and luckily it doesn’t make me want to kill anyone.
Posted under Game Reviews, Games, Movie Reviews, The MaelstROM, Uncategorized, Wrestling
I’ve reviewed a couple real crappy things for this site over the last few weeks so this was a huge breath of fresh air. In “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”, everything that sucked about Diary of the Dead is done well. It is like a cathartic removal of the terrible taste that Romero’s horrible mocumentary left in my mouth.
This is a movie that takes you behind the scenes of exactly what it takes to be a slasher superstar. In “Behind the Mask”, it is a world where the greatest horror movie icons aren’t movie icons but actual mass murderers. This documentary goes to show the sheer amount of preparation that goes into becoming one of these legends. The film crew follows around a man by the name of Leslie Vernon and his exploits into becoming the next great horror superstar.
Posted under Movie Reviews, Movies
There are times when somebody explains the premise of a movie to me and I decide that there is no way the movie can be bad. It was right after the movie first got released and I asked someone if it was any good, someone who knew my taste in Zombie movies was pretty general and that I even enjoyed Land of the Dead (although I hated the Dawn of the Dead remake with a passion, and many people swear by that). My good friend told me, and I quote “It was the Blair Witch project but with zombies, and it is still George Romero.” Read the rest of this entry »
Posted under Movie Reviews, Movies
This is probably where I should insert some pun about biting, or the movie having bite, or the movie never really finding a direction to sink its teeth into. I am far above leading in with a hackneyed pun or uncreative play on words about this film in order to seem cute all while alluding to the films dark, cringeworthy premise.
This is a movie where a southern virgin uses her tooth filled pita pocket to bite off a bunch of dude’s dicks after they wrong her.
What? It isn’t like kids read this. This is the internet.
Posted under Movie Reviews, MoviesI just wanted to point out that earlier this week word hit the blogosphere that last summer, John Favreau flew Brian Bendis, Mark Millar, Joe Quesada, Tom Brevoort, and Axel Alonso out to the set of Iron Man in order to have them offer critique and input regarding the film as it was in production. Apparently the comics braintrust convinced Favreau to focus on Stane/Iron Monger as the primary villain in favor of using the Mandarin, which was the original idea. Bendis also claims he wrote the Nick Fury scene at the end (SPOILER ALERT LAWLZ).
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD? No wonder Iron Man was such a good blend of comics source material and popcorn movie presentation. These people are the custodians of decades-old legacies. Let them be involved in the film-making process. Imagine if Warner ever actually attempted to get Batman writers or editors to contribute to a Batman movie. Maybe one would eventually turn out actually resembling Batman in some way. Hmm.
P.S. I officially declare this the Summer of Nick Fury.
Posted under Movie Features, MoviesWith this weekend’s release of the big-screen adaptation of Iron Man, the summer movie season is officially upon us, which means it’s once again time for me to submit you, my IAC faithful, to my idiosyncratic take on nerd-friendly cinema. I know it’s only the first weekend of May, but Ol’ Shellhead just threw down the proverbial repulsor-equipped gauntlet.
I have been known from time to time to digress away from the review of a movie in order to rant about what I perceive as absolute unforgivable idiocy within the current crop of movie “journalists” and “experts”. This is certainly going to be one of those times.
After months upon months of brilliant marketing and less brilliant speculation, I give you Cloverfield.
It is alive, and it is huge.
Posted under Movie Features, Movie Reviews, MoviesI figured I would post this before this one gets taken down too.
Alot of people are really interested in the preview before the Transformers movie (review coming from our resident geek-oriented film reviewer Wolfman eventually, I’m assuming) and all anyone knows about it is that it is produced by the same guy that produces hit “Nothing ever fucking happens” TV show LOST and that the code name for the battle is Arrowhead Ripper…
Er, I mean Cloverfield.
Speculation is pretty much running as rampant as speculation can possibly run, but until I can find a better quality trailer I’m going to say that it is for a Voltron movie based on the fact it kind of sounds like someone yells “That lion, its huge”. Also, even though I know that isn’t it, I’m just going to keep saying it is a Voltron movie until the internet thinks it is… because that is what I want.
There are also a few camps of people saying that it may be some sort of LOST tie in, which interests me as little as something could possibly interest me.
Edit: It got taken down, but now it is rampant across the internet. Apparently there is a huge, ongoing ARG in relation to the movie, but I never have the patience for those things.
Posted under Movie Previews, MoviesMarvel’s Box Office Assault 2007 keeps rolling this weekend with the sequel to 2005’s Fantastic Four. How did Marvel’s first family fare in their second big-screen outing (that actually counts) and can you do a cinematic take on the coming of Galactus without flying about a mile above the audience’s head? READ ON, TRUE BELIEVER!!!
Since 2002, the Spider-Man film “franchise” has been destroying box offices worldwide and opening the floodgates to myriad film producers trying to make a quick buck off whatever marginal comic book property they can afford. If one out of every 10 people who went to see these things bought an issue of Spider-Man on a monthly basis, Marvel would never go bankrupt again. But I digress. I caught a midnight screening this past Thursday, in a giant room full of obnoxious morons. Here’s what I thought.
For the past few years, Hollywood has been so absurdly out of ideas that adapting comics onto the big screen has been one of the few things the industry has been able to bank on. Thus far in 2007, the trend has showed absolutely no signs of slowing. Now I don’t get out of the house much, but as a hopeless fanboy, it is my duty to go plunk down my $7.50 and watch these things. Tonight I’m taking a look at 300, the latest offering from the brain of the King of Hollywood himself, Frank Miller.
For the past few years, Hollywood has been so absurdly out of ideas that adapting comics onto the big screen has been one of the few things the industry has been able to bank on. Thus far in 2007, the trend has showed absolutely no signs of slowing. Now I don’t get out of the house much, but as a hopeless fanboy, it is my duty to go plunk down my $7.50 and watch these things. First up is Mark Steven Johnson’s adaptation of everybody’s favorite Spirit of Vengeance.
Posted under Comic Features, Comic Reviews, Comics, Movie Features, Movie Reviews, Movies
Now, in my past movie reviews I’ve pointed out my hatred for movie critics. It is no secret that I can’t even remotely stand these loud mouthed blowhards. But that is the beauty of opinions, they can say whatever they want and have whatever artsy opinion towards movies that they desire and there is nothing I can do about it.
But with Smokin’ Aces, I have never seen this many people not “get it”. I put “get it” in quotes because I also hate when people say the reason somebody doesn’t like something is because they don’t “get it”. What a dickheaded, pretentious statement that is.
If you read reviews about this movie, you will see that the people that hated it either hated it because it was a mindless action film, or because it tried too hard to be smart. Neither of these things actually describe this movie… at least not by themselves. I think the biggest problem that critics should have had with Smokin’ Aces is that it tried to be way too many things.
Posted under Movie Reviews, Movies
I would like to use this as an opportunity to point out that most movie reviewers are idiots. Not necessarily because of their mental capacity, but because of their overwhelming desire to show that only they can appreciate cinema and that if it isn’t an overly complicated film about romance in southern Tunisia staring Cate Blanchett it is absolute garbage.
The reason I want to mention this is because that fact is none more evident than in seeing the reviews for the newest installment of the Rocky series, ‘Rocky Balboa’.
Posted under Movie Reviews, Movies
Imagine how much better everything would be if humanity stopped breeding. How much better would things be without those tiny, whining, sniveling, pooping Winston Churchill look-alikes forcing their parents to waste time and income? No annoying little kids crying in the movie theater or clogging up lines in the mall with their tantrums. Video games, television, and movies could be as vulgar and violent as they please now that there are no children left to ruin everyone else’s fun.
According to Alfonso Cuarón’s adaptation of P.D. James’ novel “Children of Men”, this is not the case. In a childless world everything will fall apart even worse than it has now. In a decaying London in 2027, now that humanity has gone sterile, humanity seems to be having a very hard time adapting to a childless future.
Posted under Movie Reviews, MoviesFuck you. No, not you personally, I like you. I like you and I don’t even know you. Yet, you don’t know me. The you I was referring to is you, the reader. You don’t know shit about me. And frankly, I’m ok with that. So instead of the carbon-copy inaugural speech, why hello, my name is Mr. Who-gives-a-shit, and welcome to the bi-weekly Fuck-if-you-care, I’m treating this as I would treat any random encounter with a stranger…*scratches balls, and extends hand* Hi, I’m Mr. Irrelevant. Now enough with the formalities, let’s cut straight to the money shot, because you know that’s the only reason why you, or anyone for that matter, owns the internet. Well, that and WOW.
Posted under Movie Features, Movies